Survey results we never get to hear about

by Nadeem F. Paracha  

 In Pakistan:
73 per cent of Pakistanis want Honda and Suzuki to begin assembling camels.
84 per cent of Pakistanis want Santa Clause to be tried for blasphemy.
69 per cent want to see Saudi King Abdullah’s portrait in the President House and his horse’s picture in the PM House.
87 per cent of Pakistanis support the
cutting of limbs as punishment; 81 per cent would like to do the cutting themselves; 84 per cent would like to watch.
97 per cent of Pakistanis think corruption is the main issue, even though 89 per cent of these accepted bribes to take this survey.
95 per cent of Pakistanis think Musharraf was wrong to attack the Lal Masjid; 90 per cent of these wanted him to raid the Hindus temples instead and run away with the booty.
99 per cent of Sunni-Deobandis in Pakistan believe Sunni-Barelvis are heretics; 99 per cent Sunni-Barelvis think the same about Sunni-Deobandis; 97 per cent of the Sunni Deobandis and Barelvis think Shias are heretics; 95 per cent of the Shias think Sunni Deaobandis and Barelvis are heretics, along with Sevener Shias; 99 per cent of Sevener Shias think Sunni Deaobandis and Barelvis and Twelver Shias are heretics; 100 per cent Sunni Deobandis, Berelvis, Twelver and Sevener Shias blame the Jews for all their troubles.
82 per cent of the Pakistanis say Zardari is the greatest hindrance to progress; however, 79 per cent of these were rich Saudi nationals visiting Pakistan to hunt the houbara bustards.
69 per cent Pakistanis say the Saudis are right to wipe out Pakistan’s houbara bustard population because the name of the birds sounds like a very bad English word.
77 per cent of Pakistanis want sausages to be labeled as obscene food.
94 per cent of Pakistanis hate America; 70 per cent of these couldn’t get a US visa.
87 per cent of Pakistanis say they trust the media; 82 per cent of these also trust Jerry Springer.
77 per cent of Pakistani men want women to be forced to wear hijabs; 74 per cent of the women agree.
70 per cent of Pakistanis wanted colas to be banned because they looked like whisky. 60 per cent say water too should be banned because it looks like vodka and gin. They believe Muslims can survive without water by chewing on palm tree leaves as long as they are chewed fresh and their juice is not allowed ferment.
79 per cent of Pakistanis believe pop music is un-Islamic; 66 per cent of these were pop musicians themselves.
80 per cent Pakistanis would rather donate money to a madrassa than to a school or a hospital. They believe preparing children for jihad (and thus, heaven) is far more important than preparing them for the modern world or a gallbladder operation.
97 per cent Pakistanis believe India poses the greatest threat to Pakistan; 54 per cent of these people were later blown up in assorted suicide attacks by Pakistani extremists.
80 per cent Pakistanis believe Muslims are being manipulated by unseen evil forces who are preparing the way for the coming of the Al-Dajjal (the Muslim concept of the anti-Christ). They are convinced of this after watching a YouTube documentary called ‘The Arrivals.’ 82 per cent of these are also convinced WWE wrestling fights are real.
India

79 per cent of the Indians believe Mahatma Gandhi would have made a great software engineer, or at least a very soft-spoken call-centre-guy.
99 per cent of Indians wanted to become Bollywood stars; 68 per cent of them joined private TV news channels as the next best alternative.
78 per cent Indians think Sonia Gandhi was a former Bollywood actress who appeared in ’70s films as Helen.
90 per cent Indians believe ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ was the wrong portrayal of India; they believe Karan Johar’s costume dramas and TV soaps are the true reflection; 88 per cent of these were suspected of being high on helium.
77 per cent of Indians believe the Babri Mosque belongs to Hindus; most of them want to build hardware stores there specialising in the kind of axes, pixels and hammers that were used to raise the mosque to the ground in 1992.
83 per cent Indians think China poses the greatest threat to India, followed by Pakistan, Afghanistan, and the faster and bouncier wickets in South Africa.
95 per cent of Indians believe Tandulkar is God who uses MRF Tyres, drinks Pepsi and loves Parle-G baby biscuits.
81 per cent of Indians believe the Naxalites are a satanic heavy metal boy-band which sings loud anti-Hindu harmonies, mostly in Bengali.
71 per cent Indians think it would have been more appropriate had Arundhati Roy married Pakistani cricketer Mohsin Khan instead of Reena Roy.
77 per cent of Indians believe Pakistanis want all of Kashmir because it’s a great filming location.
71 per cent of young Indians know very little about Indian political parties such as INC, BJP, CPI, etc. When asked who they’ll vote for in the next elections, 69 per cent said the IPL.
98 per cent of Indians speak very fast and speak English in a very weird manner. They believe this helps tone their muscles and prepares them for the next stage in their Karmic life. i.e., ‘Indian Idol.’
  Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.