Sunday, June 27, 2010
After the roaring success that was KFC’s Double Down (which, if you recall, has two chicken breasts in lieu of bread), you knew there’d be copycats trying to cash in on the “more is more” philosophy. And now’s the new heir to the throne, Friendly’s Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt which has a burger and two grilled cheese sandwiches in the place of a bun.
According to Consumerist, the calorie content of the sandwich comes in at:
870 Fat Calories
79g Total Fat
38g Saturated Fat
9g Dietary Fiber
Those numbers theoretically make the sandwich about three times as worse as a KFC Double Down. It also, to me, looks infinitely more delicious. Particularly because I hate my arteries and want to hurt them in extremely passive aggressive ways. Sarcasm just isn’t cutting it.
Ask any guy about the history of his dating life, and he’ll have at least one story about that one batsh-t nuts girl that they spent some time with. It’s easy to get sucked into a fling with a crazy girl–some guys will be fooled by good looks, others may even be attracted to the craziness. But if experience tells us anything, it’s not a wise move to stick with a crazy chick for very long. Scars, both emotional and physical, are a very real risk when dealing with crazies. If you’re confused as to what to look for in order to spot a crazy girl, read on. And beware.
7 She constantly talks about changing her appearance to look like a character
Ok, maybe there’s nothing wrong with aspiring to look like a celeb. But when you meet a girl that can’t stop talking about how much she wants to look like Angelina Jolie in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”, it might be time to ask a few questions. For example: why is she so obsessed with looking like a fictitious character? Is she practicing becoming a trained killer as well? People like this have a very loose grip on reality. You’re better off leaving this one before you become a casualty of the movie in her mind.
6 She quotes things from your profile before you become Facebook friends
Social media can be a wonderful thing. It also adds a valuable new tool to any and all potential stalkers out there. If your new girl comments on how she saw you wearing that shirt in a profile picture from a few months back, pay heed. If she’s put this much effort into stalking you this early on, and doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with it, think about what it would be like being in a long term relationship with her. You don’t want to have to explain pictures you took during freshman year to a fuming girlfriend.
5 Demanding a specific kind of food at odd hours
We get it, people get hungry all the time. But there’s no reason to have a near blood lust for steak at 11 in the morning and throwing a tantrum when it isn’t fulfilled. There just isn’t. Such a voracious appetite may seem appealing at first; but again, take a look at the long run. Also it would probably help to picture her standing over a dead animal carcass with blood dripping from her mouth. You should run pretty soon. Hey, better some animal than you.
4 She cites “amateur gunslinger” as one of her hobbies
Seriously dude, this one is a no brainer. Yes, ladies with guns can be sexy. You know what else is sexy? Not being afraid of getting shot by a pissed off girlfriend. If she occasionally goes to the range and pops off a few rounds this is a scary thing. This isn’t a videogame, dating a borderline sociopath packing heat wherever she goes is pretty high on the list of “Stupid Decisions that Will Get Me Killed”.
3 She blacks out uncontrollably every time she drinks
We’ve all blacked out once or seventeen times in our lives, it’s as natural as the phases of the moon. But if your girl can’t open up a bottle of Zima without getting all wastey face then you may have a problem. One second everyone’s having a great time slugging down a few by the bar, the next your girlfriend is doing a striptease to “Kiss Me” and it’s only 9:30. The worst part is if you try to say something, she’ll violently insist that she’s not drunk, and prove it by slugging down a few more Jager Bombs. Good luck with all that.
2 She knows how to speak a made up language
Nerds, you may have some qualms with this item on the list, but for everyone else this is pretty straight forward. Put it this way, long after you go to bed, she’s studying how to conjugate Elvish verbs. If your girl can tell you that you’re being a really terrible boyfriend in the language of the Na’vi, then your only real option here is to learn how to say hit the road–and promptly put your newfound skill to use.
1 Gets into physical fights with everyone around her — including you
There is nothing, NOTHING, crazier than a girl who can just snap and try to deck you in the face Mayweather style. If you’ve ever walked into the office with a black eye and used the old “I walked into a door” excuse, please go find help. In fact we’re sending someone to your house right now. Close this window and erase your history immediately. Hang in there buddy, we’re coming for you.
This weekly feature is a round-up, in conjunction with our friend Tim over at CoolMaterial.com of the hot new products appearing online this week. From fashion to gadgets, take a look at your new obsessions.
To A Tee: Print Liberation
From witty and tongue-in-cheek to political in tone, there’s one to complete your signature jeans-and-a-tee summer look.
Belkin Charging Station
If you’re like us, you have enough shit in your bedroom already (see: empty Netflix envelopes, gym clothes, Panda Express container), it behooves you to organize those damn chargers.
Maxx & Unicorn Co. Camouflage Wallet
What do you get for the man who has everything and more money than God? A place to stick it.
Moleskine Kindle Cover with Notebook
The Moleskine Kindle case is pretty cool… it covers your kindle, saving you from enduring the chilly stares of iPad-ers, and contains within it a little notebook for your scribbles.
The Leg Opener is a sexy female leg cast in stainless steel, complete with stiletto for popping the tops of your brews.
The Housing Watch
It can give you the tide report on over 200 beaches worldwide. That’s something worth the tan line.
Custom Converse One Star Suede
If John Varvatos, Chuck Taylor, and Jack Purcell can all Cons then why can’t the rest of us? Don’t worry you don’t need to answer that – now you can.
Bear Pong Oversized Beer Pong
You already know what Bear Pong is – it’s big ass beer pong.
The juggernaut nations need their stars to preform so they don’t follow Italy and France on their ride back home, and here are the six men who need to step up in order for their teams to continue and progress in the 2010 World Cup.
Lionel Messi, Argentina
So, how is the best player in the world doing, after a nearly super-human season? Three matches, three wins, 8 shots on goal, no goals or assists. Argentina are doing fine and Messi should have finished with a hat trick against Nigeria, who enjoyed a super day from Vincent Enyeama, but we want more from this kid, who turned 23 only two days ago. Argentina need more from him – After scoring 47 goals for Barca this season, we deserve more than a few dazzling dribbles and passes. We want goals, and despite the success so far, Argentina’s title hopes rely on his ability to create them.
Frank Lampard, England
After the best season of his career, scoring 27 goals in all competitions for Chelsea, Lampard was supposed to be one of the trio that carries England to glory. Well, we all know that not even Capello can make the Gerrard-Lampard thing work in the middle, so he’s been movin’ Stevie G all around the pitch trying to make things work, and although Gerrard looked much better against Slovenia, Lampard was still a no show, not showing any of the vision and his ability to create threats and opportunities like he has for Chelsea this season. Now it’s Germany, and the midfield battle with Schweinsteiger (doubtful) and Khadeira. England need Rooney, but Rooney looked much better against Slovenia. England must, must have Lampard playing better.
I didn’t like the booing against Brazil in yesterday’s 0-0 draw with Portugal. It was the result both teams wanted and felt comfortable with, but still, Brazil are more than just a team. It’s the “Joga Bonito” illusion created by dozens of magical players along the years. Dunga’s team, despite the talent it possesses, isn’t this type of side. Everything he’s built in the last three years which have been very successful is based on the fact he has Kaka, who is the heart and soul of this team. His ability to orchestrate the counter and the standing attack perfectly, to pick the ball up from the back or the DM’s is vital, and Brazil just don’t have the creativity in midfield to do otherwise. They have wonderful wingers and full backs and a very efficient, although he’s a cheating bastard, of a striker, but the bottom line is – Kaka has to be there for it to work. He’s back from his suspension against the dangerous Chileans, and he needs to look much better than he did for Real and more like the Kaka from before the sending off against the Ivorians.
Fernando Torres, Spain
It has been a rough season for Torres, and it’s showing. He got to training camp still recovering from the injury that set him back so many games with Liverpool, and it seems he hasn’t recovered from it, at least not mentally. Lucky for Spain they have David Villa, but Torres, who has looked awful in the matches against Chile and Honduras, has to start thinking. He’s a little rusty, understandable, but every time he has the ball he chooses the worst option possible, usually an attempt to dribble against two or three defenders. Spain, who haven’t exactly been looking like the “New Brazil” this tournament, need to have the Torres who has scored 72 goals in 116 matches for Liverpool the last three seasons, not the pale version we’ve been watching in South Africa the last couple of weeks. Portugal play a very tight defending game, and one David Villa might not be enough to make it through to the Quarter Finals. Or maybe Del Bosque should just bench Torres.
Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal
Oh, Ronaldo. I am one of those who thinks he’s a better player than Messi, but having such a huge ego gets in your way. He played one decent game so far, the 7-0 drubbing of the North Koreans, where he joined the scorers and didn’t seem to enjoy the fact others were until he grabbed the sixth. Against Brazil it was another one-man show, when it was evident the in the few times he did raise his head and look for teammates, Portugal were and are much more dangerous. He’s got so much attention on him, and instead of being the bigger man, the better player, he’s trying to be the only one who’ll decide things for Portugal. With that attitude, it won’t happen. He can do it all, but sometimes it’s better if he focuses on making others better, which is something Ronaldo doesn’t like doing.
Arjen Robben, Netherlands
Eighteen minutes against Cameroon were enough to see the Robben makes the Netherlands much better. After a fantastic season with Bayern (23 Goals in 37 matches), Robben got injured during a warm-up match vs Hungary, leaving him out of the first two matches in Group E. The Dutch managed without him, beating Denmark (2-0) and Japan (1-0), but looked very bad, needing a fluke own goal and the combination of bad goalkeeping and the Jabulani magic in order to get the six points. Robben is the best player they have and probably the only game changer, the one player who breaks out of the mold and creates havoc with the opposing teams and is impossible to keep in check the full 90 minutes. If he’s ready to start, then the Oranje fans have a lot to smile about.
Internet dating sites are becoming hugely popular in these bustling times, and places like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com are boasting that 25% of relationships are now started on internet dating sites like themselves. This is great news for some folks, but it got me wondering if there isn’t a reason some of these folks can’t seem to meet people in real-life. Maybe there are some things about a few of these people that are just a little “off” and that’s the reason they have trouble finding the special someone. These are a few things that may make people stop and say, “Hey wait minute…”, when they are scanning your profile. A few red flags like these could cost you your chance at eternal happiness.
7 The screen name or profile has “princess” in it
Sometimes a screen name is just a screen name; women just fall back on the old standard when devising a pseudonym for their profile. But other times it should serve as a warning that this young lady may be a little high maintenance. “I want a man who will treat me like the princess I am…” Well, that a wonderful thought (and may happen), but a lot of profiles such as this show a woman with unreasonable expectations. Sure, you want to shoot for the stars and be unequivocally happy in your relationship, but having your profile read like you’re looking for a life straight out of a Shakespearean play is a little much. Sure, most women would want daily back rubs on a yacht, someone that looks like Brad Pitt, a person with time and cash to spend every waking hour pampering them with wine and roses, but this is real life. That sounds like a lot of work for someone I’ve never even met before and shows some serious reasons to potential suitors on why you aren’t currently in a relationship. Actually it screams from the mountain tops, “I’m unbelievably high maintenance and nothing you will do will ever be enough!” Most people should just shoot for having someone to laugh, love and share their life with. And hey, maybe you get some of those things you were looking for in the process.
6 My favorite book is “insert weird or offensive choice here”
Letting your potential suitor know that your favorite book as a child was Curious Georgeor I used to love reading Dr. Seuss when I was little are nice little tidbits of information that he/she will find cute and endearing when reading your profile. Listing your favorite books says a lot about a person and can end up being a deal breaker because it is something you can talk about and may show the type of ideals or entertainment you and your match share. Listing things like Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler, or Aleister Crowley’s The Book of Law are going to send out some serious weird signals (especially because there is no room on the form to explain your choice). I’m guessing a good portion of men and women on dating sites don’t want their first-date dinner conversation to be about the dark arts or genocide.
5 Listing that you drink “daily” or do drugs “daily”
No judgment here on my part, I’m simply stating that listing that you drink like Dudley Moore in Arthur or smoke enough weed to make Snoop Dogg jealous may not be endearing to a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe you only drink a glass of wine a day or smoke after a long day at the office, but listing “daily” for these may make you sound as if you are a raging alcoholic or a drug dealer. Again, it’s the wording and lack of options of the website that gets you here. Who knows, maybe some people won’t mind it, but chances are that people looking at your profile may get the wrong impression from this and you may miss out on true love…or true love may be passed out on a keg in the living room. To each his/her own.
4 Putting that you “definitely” want kids
The option of “someday” is probably the right answer here, ladies. Putting “definitely” kinda makes it sound like you’re baby crazy. Hey, I understand that you want to be as truthful and honest as you can in order to meet your perfect match, but when “definitely wants children” is in your by-line, it is gonna scare some men away–especially when “someday” is an option, rather than “definitely.” And a lot of women want kids, which is fine and perfectly natural. I’m not saying that one should lie when making a profile, it just may be a better option to pick a word that doesn’t seem to make having children seem so finite. A lot of people who would date you may want kids too, but it’s probably a good idea to meet someone you love and think would make a good parent before making a decision like this.
3 It says on your profile that you created your own religion
“I’m a minister for my religious sect, ‘The First Church of Mikhail Kalashnikov! My sermons are a mix of Christianity, Voodoo, Pokemon cards, black magic and firearms — lots of firearms.” Sounds like a scary way to spend a Sunday morning. But who knows, maybe that guy has it right? Religion is simply a mixture of faith, love and compassion. However, if you are of an odd or (truly) unorthodox religious sect, people may be turned off by it. Not to say that they are right or correct in their religious viewpoints, but going to church or temple or a mosque is quite different than the gun and liquor hootenanny that the guy who created “The First Church of Mikhail Kalashnikov” performs each Sunday morning for his “followers.” I’m a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment, but a good portion of people would draw the line at going to a religious sermon with so many guns that you start having ‘Nam flashbacks and you’re only 23-years-old.
2 I’m 21 years old and I have 3 kids
Your decision making skills seem…loose at best. While most men would enjoy that you don’t always expect them to be wearing a condom when the date comes to an end and most women like a man that can take care of children–having a lot of children at a fairly young age probably does not bode well for most people looking for love on Match.com. There are a litany of reasons for this: some folks may want kids but not starting immediately, obviously there is probably going to be at least one other man/woman that will have an affect on your relationship (nobody wants to worry about crazy ex’s who are baby daddies/mommas), and if you are dating someone with kids, there is always going to be someone else around that is more important than you. I’m not saying that it’s a competition, but it can put a serious strain on a relationship because it’s hard to get to really know someone when time has to be divided up between your mate and your kids. On one hand, having a lot of kids at a young age shows a person has to have certain type of maturity because they take care of children, but on the other hand, it shows a complete lack of maturity to get yourself into that situation in the first place.
1 Listing watching porn as a hobby
It’s probably happened before. Sure, the internet consists mostly of websites where people are getting intimate with men, women, animals, clowns, inanimate objects and a world of other things, but it’s not something that you probably want to go around telling people. And the pron industry rakes in billions of dollars a year, so quite a few people are looking at it. But more times than not, that’s not something you want to share on a dating site. Let me rephrase that: Unless you are a woman, this is probably something you save about yourself until after the honeymoon. To some people (ballpark–almost every male alive) a woman that enjoys pornography is a plus. And if your hobby is making pornography, that is probably something you save sharing about yourself until the honeymoon. Surprise, honey! Let’s make this a night that well remember for the rest of our lives and probably long after that.